Emotional.

I wasn't going to write about this, in case he ever reads this, but it's been on my mind constantly lately and I have to share it somewhere.

Mike has sounded more and more depressed every time we talk. I know he's been drinking a lot, too. I'm worried about him. I'm hoping that when he gets done with vacation and back into the swing of things at work he will be able to shake this funk. He says it will get better when he goes back to work, he won't be alone all day and such. But what if it doesn't? I'm so far away, I don't know how to help him get the help he may need if this gets any worse. Having a background in psychological counseling makes me pretty good on the phone, but he's got no one to hold, no one to hug him or kiss him. Physical affirmation is so important to him, though I don't know if he realizes it. It kills me to see him like this. Honestly, this hurts more than seeing him with someone else. I've told him many times that I don't want him being lonely on account of me, and I know he's gone out on dates but I guess nothing has worked out. I'm so sad. I want him to be happy.

Also, I've been pretty sad lately myself. I'm absolutely heartsick. For Halifax, for Mike, for my old life. I know I'm on to great things, and that what I've got going on here in Illinois is amazing- great friends, derby, and being close to my family have all been immeasurably beneficial these past months... but after reviewing the past year of my life, I'm hurting bad for the old days. I can't even tell you what I would do to be back in Timberlea, or at Gus's Pub, or wandering Spring Garden without a dollar to my name. I'd jump at the chance to bet blisters on my feet from canvasing the city with fliers for the next show. Spending days with friends doing absolutely nothing, but enjoying every minute, that's the shit I live for. I can't tell you the last time I had a day like that. Fuck.

If this is what growing up feels like, fuck it.