Alas, My Life is in Shambles.

Essentially, I have fallen off the self improvement wagon.

Mike Stone completely dropped me for a woman he met three weeks before.
Financial aid fell through for school.
I've almost completely given up on working out outside of derby.
I've been eating nothing but junk. Junk for breakfast, junk for lunch, and drunk for dinner.
I'm pretty much 100% sure that I won't be going to Everett for barbering school.
Not now, not ever.
Now, I am left to decide what to do. Where to go from here.

I've got a bit of a good thing going with a new guy, it's been about a month and I'm pretty happy with the way things are coming along.
I've got offers and opprotunity to go live in Halifax again, which are EXTREMELY tempting.
In the past week we've acquired about 20 new skaters and approximately 15 officials for the Derby Dames.

I've got reason to stay, but desire to go, you know?

Wahhh.

Almost Had a Panic Attack.

This morning I picked up my balls and called the bank that I owe money to, and the cell phone company I flaked on over a year ago. I just completely stopped paying either of them when I moved home a year ago. It keeps me up at night, knowing that I'm acruing debt every month.

So, The bank didn't answer, so I left a message and I'm waiting to hear back. While I was on hold for the phone company I was actually shaking, and felt completely nauseous. The phone man ended up being completely nice to me, which calmed me down quite a bit. We'll see how I can tackle this debt, it's got to be done.

Roller Derby Workout Challenge Week 3

1) What about those push ups?
- I'm getting better! I can do 10 pretty easily now :)

2) Time yourself doing a plank for as long as you possibly can and post your time.
- 1:45... It could be better.

3) What surface do you skate on? What Wheels do you use?
- We skate on a 50+ year old wooden floor, and it's beautiful to skate on. Right now I'm on Caymans (TERRIBLE) But I've got some Zooms on the way (I'm broke and they're decently cheap) and I'm pretty excited to try em out.

4) Star Jump or Burpee?
- Burpee! I'm starting to like them. I must be going crazy.

5)Name two members of your ref staff.
- Road Rage and Digger.

Falling Short.

So, I've got the word for financial aid from my school.

I'm eligible for loans to cover approximately 50% of my tuition. That leaves me to cover the remaining 50% and cost of living.I'm having absolutely no luck with privatized alternative student loans, so it seems I'm going to have to work a full time job, a part time job, and go to school full time if I want this to work. Are there even enough hours in the day? I'm feeling very discouraged.

On the upside, today I told my boss at work about my plans to move and she was surprisingly supportive. She told me that transfers are totally do-able, so when I got home I made a call to the Michaels down the street from my school and I've got a bit of a phone interview tomorrow with the assistant manager. Having even a part-time gig to show up to would be hugely comforting. I'm excited, I hope it goes well!

RDWC Challenge Week 2!

1- What is your least favorite part of RDWC so far?

My biggest struggle is preparing meals in the morning. I've got a million things to do before I can get out the door for work, and I usually eat my breakfast on the go. Honestly, I don't at all mind taking the time to do it, it's just been a real struggle to adjust my routine to accommodate another task. Definitely a struggle that will pay off, though, so I'm not complaining!

2) Do you remember the first time you went roller skating? Do tell!

On the sidewalk outside my grandma's house, about age 4. I had these beauties!

3) Name a song that was on your dance mix for the 30 minutes of dance cardio.

"Ra Ra Rasputin" by ABBA (Don't Judge me! I challenge you to attempt listening to that song and NOT dance!)

4) What do you think is the biggest misconception of roller derby

When I tell people I play, they look at me like I'm crazy. I've had tons of people tell me they thought derby was only something hat happened in movies and was only palyed by Über PUNX who spend their free time boozing and beating each other to a bloody pulp. If they knew how much time I spend crocheting and reading Dragonlance, they'd never believe I played!

5) We want the first three words that come to your mind when we say SUGAR, Anything Goes!

Poison, tempting, scrumptious.

6)If you could pick between being able to fly or being able to turn yourself invisible, which would you pick?

Definitely flight! Being able to go wherever I want AT NO COST... that would make my life awesome. I've got friends all over the world, many of whom I haven't seen in years, so being able to pick up and go see them at the drop of a hat would be the best I could ask for. I could wander up to Halifax' Gus' Pub on a Friday night and spend Saturday with Dyango in LA, and be back here in Illinois for derby practice Sunday night. I honestly couldn't ask for more.

Naboo The Shaman Costume

So I'm going to a Mighty Boosh/ Old Gregg Themed party next week. I've decided to dress as Naboo. If you're not familiar with the show, stop right now and go watch it.

Thus far, I haven't bought anything for the costume. I've got the Shaman hat, and an awesome vest, and a few shirts that will work. I need pants and a robe to complete the outfit... and maybe some gold pointy flats if I'm lucky. Hopefully it comes together nicely.

Wish me luck!

Had a bit of a slip up on my blogging here, shame one me!

Nothing extremely exciting has happened in the past few days. Work, Derby, Sleep, repeat.

I did somehow wind up on a sort of date last night, which wasn't expected. It was actually pretty fun. I don't know how I feel about dating anyone, because I still have strong feelings for Mike, but I've missed going on dates. We went to WCR's season opener, watched two bouts, and got food with Megandy at the Pick Me Up afterward. It was nice.

On a related note, WCR's opener was GREAT. Manic Attackers kicked Hells Belles asses, and the Fury thoroughly stomped the Double Crossers. I should certainly also mention that the Double Crossers made a valiant comeback at the end of the second, which was impressive, to say the least.

Unfortunately, I failed at avoiding beers at the bout last night. I had 3. This is a super fail on my RDWC diet, so I'm pulling double workouts tonight.

Still haven't heard back from my financial aid advisor about student loans, but I'll be hounding him this upcoming week so we can get shit done. I've made a few contacts in Everett who can hopefully help me out with getting a spot to live, otherwise I'll have to man up and pay for my own apartment. Ugh, let's hope someone decent has a room to spare!

Hurrah for weightloss!

I think I'm getting thinner. I cut sugar, fast food, pop, and junky snacking at the first of the year, and I've been following my RDWC meal plan for a good 5 days now, and I feel great. Mike and I were on skype today and he says I'm looking thinner, so I'm going to go ahead and do a mini victory dance.

I haven't weighted myself at all since I quit smoking (about a month and a half ago) and I'm really nervous to do so. I'm thinking maybe I'll just forget the scale and go by how I feel. That seems like a good idea to me.

Mike was showing me his before and after photos of his amazing 50 pound weight loss and now I'm more motivated than ever to catch up to him. I'm going to be a size 10, damn it, if it takes me all year!

Honestly, a size ten seems totally out of reach. I haven't been that size since about grade 6. I remember being a 12 when I started high school, ballooning up to a size 20 by junior year, and being a healthy 14/16 when I graduated. It's been a roller coaster of sizes ever since then, but never again below 14. Not even at my skinniest in early 2009 (I even had my belly button pierced then, haha I was so stoked to not be an 18 anymore... plus I was working in the piercing shop at the time so it was inevitable)

But I will do it. My realistic goals are to be a solid 14 by the time I move to Washington, and I'd like to be a 12 by my birthday. And then, to go for the gold, getting down to a 10 by the end of the year will be my biggest challenge.

Does this seem like too much? I don't know, I've got a whole year to do it. 6 weeks is totally long enough to drop one pants size to a 14. Then, 4 and a half months to achieve another size drop for my birthday goal, and then from July-December to get to be a size ten? I think this is reasonable.

Maybe I'm biting off more than I can chew... but maybe not.

Progress, Finally!

After struggling for what seems like eons I finally got somewhere with financial aid, I think.

I've submitted my FAFSA information to my school, spoken directly to my school's financial aid assistants, and now I'm filing my taxes so I can get this year's FAFSA done even faster. Apparently my program overlaps two school years, so I am allowed to use two different FAFSA applications to get loans. This is good news, as far as I understand it.

I'm glad that something has finally yielded some results, I don't know why I didn't go directly to the school right off the bat, Thanks Season for the push in the right direction!

I'm trying hard to nail down a second job, and to save every penny I can for the move. My social life is suffering, but it will all be worth it.

Emotional.

I wasn't going to write about this, in case he ever reads this, but it's been on my mind constantly lately and I have to share it somewhere.

Mike has sounded more and more depressed every time we talk. I know he's been drinking a lot, too. I'm worried about him. I'm hoping that when he gets done with vacation and back into the swing of things at work he will be able to shake this funk. He says it will get better when he goes back to work, he won't be alone all day and such. But what if it doesn't? I'm so far away, I don't know how to help him get the help he may need if this gets any worse. Having a background in psychological counseling makes me pretty good on the phone, but he's got no one to hold, no one to hug him or kiss him. Physical affirmation is so important to him, though I don't know if he realizes it. It kills me to see him like this. Honestly, this hurts more than seeing him with someone else. I've told him many times that I don't want him being lonely on account of me, and I know he's gone out on dates but I guess nothing has worked out. I'm so sad. I want him to be happy.

Also, I've been pretty sad lately myself. I'm absolutely heartsick. For Halifax, for Mike, for my old life. I know I'm on to great things, and that what I've got going on here in Illinois is amazing- great friends, derby, and being close to my family have all been immeasurably beneficial these past months... but after reviewing the past year of my life, I'm hurting bad for the old days. I can't even tell you what I would do to be back in Timberlea, or at Gus's Pub, or wandering Spring Garden without a dollar to my name. I'd jump at the chance to bet blisters on my feet from canvasing the city with fliers for the next show. Spending days with friends doing absolutely nothing, but enjoying every minute, that's the shit I live for. I can't tell you the last time I had a day like that. Fuck.

If this is what growing up feels like, fuck it.

Telling The Dames.

Last night at practice I announced that I'm leaving in March to go be a barber. I was really sad to tell them, I almost cried when I saw the look on my derby wife's face. Yet at the same time it made my decision all the more real to me. This is no longer just some dream I've been kicking around for a year or so, it's becoming a reality, very quickly.

I'm going to really struggle to leave my wife, my best friends, and our fledgling league behind. It's been so great watching it grow, from the initial planning meetings to now when we're testing our girl's basic skills. It's just been awesome. I know good things are in store for the Dames, and who knows- maybe I'll find myself back skating with them in just a few short months. I have no idea where I'll be after school, maybe things will bring me back to Illinois.

I have confidence that I can do this, though. I really do.

Alright, Who's Giving Me Money?

I've been working on financial aid, and today I made a ton of calls trying to figure out who exactly is going to give it to me.

First I called FAFSA. No such luck, I'm not eligible for federal aid through them.
Next, I called Sallie Mae, the private lender my school recommended I get in touch with way back in August when I toured the school. Turns out, they no longer do business with my school. Hmm. Odd.
So finally I did what I should have done weeks ago and just called the school, asking to be connected to financial aid. Apparently, their financial aid people were both out of the office today (which I should have known, as the school itself is out of session on Mondays) So I left my contact information and hopefully I'll hear back from them soon. I am trying to be patient, but realistically If I don't hear back by lunch tomorrow, I will be callign again to try and hunt this guy down.

I'm more determined than ever to make this happen. I need this.

Mike Makes a Comeback

So, as I have previously alluded to, my love life is a serious question mark these days. I am still head over heels for my ex, who is only my ex because we now live 3,000 miles apart. Long distance just didn't work for us, no matter how much we both wanted it to.

So for the past 4 months I've been dipping my toe in the dating pool now and again. Nothing really spectacular, to be honest. And especially after the fiasco on January 1st, I'm becoming less and less interested in meeting someone new. I mean, if the right guy came along I'd be happy to give it a shot but I've yet to be convinced that my Mr Right doesn't live in Victoria, BC.

So in the past week Mike and I have been talking more seriously about getting back together. His being in the military means I'd have to move to him, and the invitation has been presented. Obviously, I've got to keep my eyes on the prize and get my barbering license first, which would mean 6 months in Washington beforehand. We'd be close enough then to see each other on weekends and maybe test the waters as far as getting back together.

I'm torn. All I've wanted for so long is to be there with him and now the opportunity has risen and I don't know what to do. I mean, I'm not the romantic type who says "Go for it! anything is worth it for love!" I'm more the type who says "Why not, what's the worst that could happen?" Then of course I realized what the worst would be; it stands to potentially completely fuck up my life, and I got scared.

Maybe I should put my personal life on the back burner for now and just focus on myself until I get more of my list nailed down. I just don't know.

Bah. I'm rambling at this point. I need to give it a rest. I'm going grocery shopping for my RDWC meals.

RDWC Homework #1

1) What do you think will be the hardest nutritional guideline for you to follow?

I think cutting sugar will definitely be the most difficult part for me, because I'm an absolute fiend! I've been trying to ween myself gradually and It's been making me crabby and spiteful! haha. I especially struggle at work, because my boss brings in baked goods for the break room everyday. I've been taking my breaks elsewhere but its no fun hiding in the stock room for 30 minutes while the rest of my friends are all noshin' on bon bons and various other sweet delights.

2) We want you to think before you eat. Do you think before you shop? Name 3 derby owned businesses.

Sin City Skates

fiveonfive magazine

Broken Cherry

3) What's the one thing you have in your friedge or pantry that you thought was healthey but you may now be rethinking?

My breakfast cereal is LOADED with sugar. I guess in my heart of hearts I always knew this, but because there are pictures of fruit on the box I figured I was okay.

... I shouldn't lie, I am only joking about the box... there is no way I ever thought Berry Berry Kix was good for me.

4) Do you know your league history? Who founded your league and in what year?

Millie Brawl and I started the DuPage Derby Dames in Denny's on May 27, 2010

5) How did you come up with your derby name?

Voodoo Rhythm is the name of a song by my favorite band. I had gone back and forth for AGES, between 3 or 4 good names. One day while on the phone with Mike, we were throwing around names and I was got to ranting about how I was getting so fed up with everyone telling me to call myself LL Cool Bean and I just spat it out; "I'm just going to call myself Voodoo Rhythm." He said I should, so I did. It's odd, I hadn't even listened to the song in weeks, but there it was kicking around in my subconscious, hah!

6) Attach a photo to your note that conveys how you feel going into this challenge.

RDWC: First Week's Meals!

The derby workout meal plan for week one has arrived! I'm going to go grocery shopping with my mom and hopefully she will go the diet with me while she's home. I'm getting nerdy excited about this. Ohhhh I can feel the winds of change a'blowin!

In case anyone is wondering, here it is!

BREAKFAST

Day One
2 scrambled eggs
¼ cup shredded cheese
1 slice whole wheat bread spread with unsweetened natural peanut butter
1 cup grapes

Day Two
½ cup low fat cottage cheese
1 apple
1 slice whole wheat bread spread with unsweetened natural peanut butter

Day Three
2 egg omelet
1 cup spinach
1 ounce feta cheese
1 pear

Day Four
1 egg
1 cup cooked oatmeal
½ cup mixed berries mixed in

Day Five
1 egg fried in 1 tsp olive oil
1 slice swiss cheese
on 1 whole wheat English muffin

Day Six
1 cup sliced cantaloupe
½ cup low fat cottage cheese
1 turkey sausage patty or 2 slices of turkey bacon

Day Seven
½ cup low fat plain Greek yogurt
½ cup berries
1 slice whole wheat bread spread with unsweetened natural peanut butter



LUNCH

Day One
1 cup lentil soup
2 cups spinach salad
with ½ cup cheese
olive oil and vinegar dressing

Day Two
5 ounces grilled chicken
2 cups salad
light Caesar dressing
½ apple

Day Three
3 ounces turkey lunch meat
½ cup lettuce
½ cup tomatoes
mayonnaise
in 1 whole wheat pita

Day Four
6 large shrimp
3 cups chopped salad
w/ mixed veggies
olive oil and vinegar dressing


Day Five
½ cup grilled chicken salad made with mayonnaise (make it how you like it but be smart!)
1 slice whole wheat bread
1 slice cheese

Day Six
5 oz Grilled fish (any kind)
in olive oil with lemon
large side of asparagus
1 pear

Day Seven
3 ounces turkey lunch meat
1 slice cheese
1 slice whole wheat bread
mustard and small amount of mayonnaise
½ apple




DINNER

Day One
1 cup whole wheat pasta
5 ounces grilled ground turkey
½ cup tomato saucesprinkled with ½ cup parmesan cheese

Day Two
ounce grilled chicken breast
grilled in olive oil
with 3 cups vegetable stirfry (no noodles!!)
2 ounces dark chocolate

Day Three
5 ounce grilled chicken breast
1 cup broccoli
1 baked sweet potato

Day Four
1 ½ cup whole wheat pasta
6 ounces grilled chicken
1 cup broccoli
½ cup of tomato sauce
2 ounces dark chocolate

Day Five
6 ounces of grilled salmon
1 cup sautéed spinach
½ cup whole grain rice (no white rice!!!)

Day Six
5 ounces of grilled chicken
½ cup red onion
½ cup red peppers
½ cup corn
1 whole wheat tortilla

Day Seven
5 ounces pork tenderloin
½ cup unsweetened apple sauce
1 cup brussel sprouts

SNACKS

½ ounce low fat cheese
½ orange

1 ounce turkey lunch meat
1 cup strawberries

small handful of peanuts
1 string cheese

½ cup red peppers
½ cup cottage cheese
1 small peach

1 orange
small handful of almonds

1 hard boiled egg
½ piece of whole wheat toast
spread with unsweetened natural peanut butter

1 cup naturally popped popcorn (be careful of the kind you microwave!)
small handful of cashews

For those of you that do not eat meat and have special dietary preferences, here are some recommended protein substitutions for vegetarians and vegans. Below is a list of high-protein foods that can replace the meat choices listed above. Do the best that you can to make appropriate substitutes to fit your restrictions. For ideas and discussions with other restrictive eaters, check out the Vegetarian Discussion tab.

7 ounces of chick peas
8 ounces of baked beans
5 ounces of tofu, seitan, or tempeh
4 ½ ounces of lentils
1 ounce peanuts
1 ounce cheese

Money Money Money

So, I've just gone to consult my banker about the student loans they advertise on their website. Apparently, they don't issue loans to students going to trade schools. What a disappointment.

Back to square one as far as funding is concerned. Brainstorming like mad. I'm considering asking my parents, but that will be my absolute last resort.

The Tire Debacle, Part II

So I've just returned from a long morning of wheel dealing with various mechanics. Here's the run down.

2 new tires: $158
front end alignment: $75
replacing the parts at fault for misalignment: $300

Would someone just put me out of my misery?!

I'm headed down to that restaurant to see about getting a job, and then down to the bank about getting a loan. Channeling all of my positive energy, tapping 100% charisma and praying for a morale boost soon.

Needless to say, I am frustrated.

A frustrating turn of events.

I went to get my tire looked at after work today, because it constantly loses air and I'm sick of filling the damn thing every week. I just got all new tires about 5 months ago, so I was sure I'd just go in and they'd be like "oh you've got a nail in there" or "hey, it's a faulty tire" and they'd just fix me up and off I'd go. That's the joy of Discount Tire, they hook me up.

Turns out, my alignment is off, and the two front tires are completely bald on the inside edges. Due to the fact that the tires were not at fault, my warranty is completely void. So, now I need to buy two new tires AND get my car aligned.

Fucking hell. Time to get a second job, STAT.

Whats up with work?

So. I'm unhappy at my job. What am I going to do about it?

I made a good step this past week by hounding my managers to cross train me in framing production. I'll also learn cashiering so hopefully I'll be able to slip out of the RDQ inventory monitoring position and into more customer oriented roles. Gaining these new skills is a huge benefit to me, as I will soon be moving and it will be great to add them to my resume. Maybe I'll even be able to get a transfer to another store. Woop for automatic job opportunity.

Also, a new restaurant opened up down the road from me, and I'm going to see if they need waitresses or possibly even bartenders. Having an extra income will be so helpful for getting money together for the move. Plus, having experience in serving will be so good for when I need to find a new job out west.

Good Morning Monday!

I am up and at 'em uncharacteristically early this morning, I'm dressed and ready two hours before I generally even think about rolling out of bed. This may have to do with the fact that I took non drowsy cold meds before I went to sleep last night, or just the fact that practice with Lethal Dose last night got me all pumped up and the adrenaline had no where to go. Is that how things really work? I don't know.


Feeling particularly productive thus far, going to drop off the Derby Dames' first set of t shirts today after work, so we'll have something to wear for our photo shoot that is supposedly on it's way. How exciting. I'll post photos when I can. Oh what the heck, here's me at derby a few weeks ago. I think I'm looking pretty fierce. Just think of how rad I'm going to look by the end of the year when my legs are toned up and I get rid of this jelly belly. Woop!

Roller Derby Workout Challenge 2011

SO.
In keeping with my list of things I want to change about myself I have decided to do the 2011 Roller Derby Workout Challenge.

It's 8 weeks of doing as the Heart Attacks say, and if my suspicions are correct, they're going to kick my ass. I'm pretty stoked on it, and because I'll be given weekly homework assignments, I'll be able to share them here to check in.

So far, they've just given us two questions, here they are with my answers.

1) What do you hope to gain from the Roller Derby Workout Challenge?

Since I started skating, I have made a ton of improvement on my derby skills BUT I know I'm far behind my teammates in the area of physical strength and endurance. I'm using RDWC to help catch up to them and to help me become a better overall athlete.

2) After reading the Nutritional Guidelines what seems like the biggest challenge?

I'm attempting to get back into my vegetarian ways, because my body has trouble with meat. I'm concerned that if I'm not eating meat I might have trouble following the meal suggestions. We'll see what they throw at us!

As promised, here are some of the things that make my life fucking awesome.

List of good things to cultivate:

• Roller Derby. Cliche, I know, but roller derby has absolutely saved me. Having a group of strong and positive female peers who are dedicated to athletics is good for me.
  
• Creativity. I am pretty damn crafty. Having a physical outlet for my creativity is a good way to get out of the box and keep in touch with who I am.
• Fashion. My "style" is a mashup of tons of influences. Regardless of what I'm wearing, taking pride in the pieces I chose and in the presentation of myself is important to my confidence. I resolve not to slouch around in half-assed clothing.
• Nutrition. I've got an interest in cooking, baking, and eating healthy. I'd like to be more dedicated to achieving my ideal diet of vegetarianism, with emphasis on fresh healthy choices, minimal eggs and dairy (sniffle sniffle, good bye fair cheeses, I shall miss you)
  
• Music. Being involved in music makes me feel good. Even if it is purely on a spectator's level, I resolve to bathe in music, and absorb as much knowledge as I can.
• Blog. Obviously. I think this will be a good way to keep me on track.

So that is that. I think I will find more things to add to this as I go along, but it is what it is for now.

Fuck it, I'll tell ya

So today was shitty.

I swear, this blog will not be so lame and whiny for the most part, but this was some serious bullshit, and is part of the reason I'm so firmly resolving to get my act together. I will not have the rest of my year blowing ass like tonight.

I went to see an old friend of mine. A little history: we dated briefly, long distance, for a few months two years ago. Then when I met Mike there was an awkward drawn out breakup, we didn't talk for a while, but eventually got back on speaking terms.

Well, from the moment I showed up it was obvious that he just wanted to hook up. I should have just left. I thought I made it VERY clear that I wasn't interested, but he was super persistent and because I am so damn nice and accommodating I admittedly let him get away with more than I should have. Anyway, I'll spare you the demeaning details (we didn't fuck or anything, I got control before it got that far) and just say that I left the house feeling pretty damn shitty about myself.

The Upside: I learned that I still have a shred of decency and morality somewhere in me. Also, I did what was right for me. This is a step toward becoming the person I want to be.

Here's the Jist

Let's cut to the chase; this blog is about my 2011 resolution to get my act together.
I've tried blogging many times before and truly flaked every time.
I'm not going to go on and on and on about how emotional and life changing writing this will be, because I honestly don't think it will be much good at all. Truthfully, I don't expect anyone to read it. I'd like it if someone did read it, but I'm not holding my breath.


I'm generally more upbeat and likable than this inaugural post suggests. I've been doing too much new years resolving, I think. Spent a lot of time today focusing on the things that I want to fix, and not much about the things that are going well. So here's the list I made of things to change, short sweet and to the point.

Shit that needs to get fixed:

• I dropped out of school. In attempts to make this situation better, I'm going to go to barbering school.
• I am overweight and shamefully out of shape. To combat this, I will workout more often and commit to becoming a better derby athlete.
• I have debt. This is hard for me to talk about, because I am totally clueless about how to deal with it, but it goes on the list nonetheless
  
• I am unhappy with my current job, and it effects my life. I will make the best of it until I can find something better or find my niche within the company.
  
• I've been eating meat. I am going to stop eating meat.
  
• I've got to figure out what I want in my love life. Goood fucking luck to me.
• I don't have any tattoos, so I'm going to get at least one.

Tomorrow I will write about what is good in my life, and what positive things I want to focus on.